Are There Any Real Benefits to "Friends with Benefits"?

Having "friends with benefits" can be fun. But it can also destroy friendships and stand in the way of real relationships.

A friend of mine met a guy that reminded her of one of her favorite celebrities Idris Elba. She instantly, fell in love with him and after dating for a while, realized that they only one thing in common was sex. Eventually, they decided to be FWB (friends with benefits). After discussing this situation with my friend and those who know me know that when there is something that uncertain or bothers me, I take it to the internet to do my research of the pros/cons of a FWB relationship and not surprised to what I found. According to a Michigan State University study, sixty-percent of college co-eds have been involved in a FWB relationship, and most if not all of my thirty-something girlfriends were doing it to stay satisfied, so I figured I'd tell my friend what the heck... Give the laid back, no-romantic-attachments approach to getting laid a chance. Well, needless to say and after giving it some thought... Most women are not capable of having this type of relationship and that I had given my friend advice that would most likely lead to heartbreak and that didn't sit easy with me. Time went on and a year later, my friend and her "celebrity look alike" fling still hang out and hump like dogs. She did however express to me that after her most recent rendezvous weekend, she began to wonder "what I'm doing". What are the real benefits to friends with benefits? Sure, now  she have a in-case-of-sexual-emergency-hit-Glass-lookalike. But at the same time, she's started to realize that the situation is causing her to question the meaning of friendship, all while challenging her chances at romances, and wobbling emotional stability.

When Friend Is a Four Letter Word

Ironically, booty-call buddies devalue the closeness of camaraderie while raising the stakes on romance. The cornerstone of friendship is open communication, and becoming a friend with benefits actually shuts down those open lines. Let's face it, if the only thing you're doing together is having sex, it isn't the same thing as sharing who you are. According to "Friends With Benefits, And Stress Too," casual sex actually adds anxiety to a budding connection. Sometimes, a FWB is really a way of avoiding a real relationship. See, my friend retreated to friends with benefits status before she even had a chance to get rejected in the boyfriend battle. By over-analyzing every little detail of a relationship under the guise of girl talk is bad, but acting like you don't care about having a relationship at all isn't much better.

Whatever Happened to Wining and Dining?

These days, dating has gotten as casual as sex. We've replaced courtship with text messaging and online social networking. Consequently, our relationships are as disposable as our technology. With a FWB, there's not much wooing or chasing. And romance? Huh, forget about it. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am isn't a relationship. A relationship is honest-to-goodness, face-to-face commitment. Besides, Isn't the slow seduction part the most exciting part of a relationship? Friends with benefits jump to conclusions -- the conclusion of the possibility of a real relationship, in most cases. One-night-stands are one thing, but if you're a repeat FWB offender... Let's call a spade a spade and keep it real, you're really dating, but not by any relationship standards, and those are pretty superficial relationships you're having.

Riding the Highs and Lows

Being addicted to FWBs isn't just socially confusing. Mother Nature's messing with your head, too. Biologically speaking, sex is a drug. Or at least it feels that way for women, thanks to oxytocin, the hormonal transmitter that makes you feel happy, relaxed, and bonded to your partner after sex. In a FWB, your mind may be telling you no about a guy, but your body may be telling you yes. It's confusing. Men don't get this bonding hormone in the same dosage, or, in some cases, at all. Oftentimes, as much as we women tell ourselves we're not attached to these dudes we do, but the fact of the matter is that it's not something we can totally control. Part of how you feel about him is a side effect of sex. If you're not careful, casual sex can actually cause depression.


So why do women keep falling into the friends with benefits trap? Ten-percent of the time, a FWB turns into more, but in the meantime all we're getting is less. Ultimately, you’re bound to be disappointed if you enter into a FWB relationship with a friend who you’re secretly hoping becomes something more. If you want to date him, you need to be up front about that. But if you’re like most girls in FWB situations, you’re not crossing your fingers that the relationship gets upgraded to boyfriend-girlfriend status. You just wanna have fun. And chances are, so does he. 

If you like FWB relationships then more power to you. Do what you enjoy doing but I ask you this, is it really FABulous to settle for coach when you could go first-class?

Until next time.... Keep it FABulous!